What my mood disorder symptoms are like.

One of the questions that I get asked frequently is “How does Bipolar differ from normal mood swings?” As you know every one has fluctuations of mood. These fluctuations can occur over the course of a month, week or even a single day depending upon events in that persons life. How Bipolar is different is in the severity and duration(length) of these fluctuations. As the name Bipolar implies there are two poles; Major depressive episode and mania/hypo-mania. These mood swings are often extreme and disrupt the life of the person experiencing them.

A few things to keep in mind as you read this is that 1. Not every person who has Bipolar Disorder will suffer the same mood extremes levels. 2. The symptoms that I am listing are strictly my own. The symptoms of these mood episodes can vary depending upon the person and the type of Bipolar Disorder that they have.

So how do these mood swings exactly differ? I'll start with the major depressive episode first. Every one has experienced bouts of mild depression in their life. These episodes usually are the result of an event such as death of someone close, ending a relationship is losing a job. For most people his period of depression will be short in duration and have minimal impact on their daily life. They may be able to “lift” their moods by engaging in activities that they love.

In a major depressive episode disrupts the persons life. The following is a brief list of the symptoms that I usually present with while in a major depressive episode.

1. I find it impossible to enjoy activities that I usually love.

2. I have overwhelming feelings of guild, sadness and feel worthless. Everything will feel hopeless.

3. Physically I'll be so drained that even basic daily things such eating and bathing become difficult.

4. My sleep will be disturbed. I'll problems falling and staying asleep. This is usually brought about
from my mind reminiscing about past events.

5. Depending on the severity of the depression I might have suicidal thoughts.

6. I often times will have paranoid thoughts. I'll think that everyone I know wants me to die, that they hate me and only sticking around to watch me fail.

Now onto the impact of these symptoms.

1. I withdraw socially from friends and family.

2. I find it difficult to engage in daily activities such as cleaning, running errands, bathing, eating etc.

3. My work performance will drastically slip. Its difficult enough getting out of bed let alone giving my all at work.

4. My libido will tank.

5. In the past I have actually attempted to take my own life on three different occasions. And more times than I can count I seriously contemplated it.

These episodes will last weeks if not months. The symptoms being there everyday during the episodes. Nothing I do can lift my mood and even if something positive happens the depression is still there.

On the opposite end is either hypo-mania or mania. This mood episode is far more than about just feeling good. Hypo-mania is less severe in symptom presentation but can have just as much of a negative impact as a full blown mania. To be diagnosed with Bipolar 1 the person must have had at least one episode of full blown mania, while for a diagnosis of Bipolar 2 the person must have never had a full blown mania. Instead Bipolar 2 is characterized by only having a hypo-mania as well as episodes of major depression. Since my mood disorder symptoms manifests closer to Bipolar 1 than 2 the following list of symptoms include those for full blown mania and do not represent what a person with others types of Bipolar Disorder might experience. 

1. I will have a decreased need for sleep. During this phase I will generally get anywhere from 4 hours to none. Now even though I am sleeping less I will also have an increase in energy. This increase in energy makes me restless, like I am wired out and accomplish any task thrown my way.

2. Racing thoughts. Often time my mind will be racing with various thoughts and ideas. These will shift rapidly from one to another. This will usually show itself in rapid speech. People will have a hard time following what I am saying as these thoughts and ideas are spoken as fast as I am thinking them. If you can imagine a person quickly changing topics in a conversation just get a basic idea.

3. Risky an impulsive behavior. I will spend way more money than I should on items that I don't really have any need for. I have impulsively quit jobs to pursue hobbies that had no financial gain. I have moved to a different city without thought to job, relationships, and exactly how I am going to make it. I have engage in risky sexual practices. I have ended relationships. I have gone lengthy road trips without thought to consequence to job. I have rapidly shifted groups of friends. That’s just to name a few things that I have done.

4. Self esteem will be inflated. They way I have always described this one is that I am the smartest, most talented person in any given field. I will honestly believe that I can conquer any challenge and that no one can stop me. I will come across as very arrogant to others during this.

5. I will come up with grand plans, making lists of things that I need to do to accomplish these plans. These lists can be pages long and often times jump around between tasks. Yet I am to distracted by own rapid firing thoughts that things are left half done if started at all.

6. Libido will be in overdrive.

7. If psychosis is present I will have fixed delusions that are religious in nature. I'm on a special mission to start a new religion that will lead others to the same path of enlightenment that I have. I will also start to hear music, believe that my thoughts are being manipulated by outside forces and also see things like shadows moving around.

8. Paranoia ramps up as start I to believe that others are trying to thwart my mission or ruin my grand plans. I become highly suspicious of others and their motivation and have on a few occasions believed that they could hear my thoughts and were using that against me.

9. I will become argumentative with almost anyone that is around me. I'll be so irritable that even little things will piss me off. These verbal confrontations usually lead to strained relationships.

The consequences of my manias has been devastating. It impacts my functioning level and also my decision making. This has led to financial debt, loss of jobs, relationships with friends and family strained and broken, homelessness and ending up in dangerous situations. Between the racing thoughts and the distractibility that accompanies a mania even simple things such as daily cleaning becomes difficult to do.

Both of these episodes will cause of lowering of daily functioning. These episodes are drastically different than my normal moods, even the way I think changes. When they occur they don't just hang around for an hour, they last pretty much everyday for a few weeks. Another thing is these episodes are not really triggered by any life events, they just happen. It is possible for times of high stress to trigger a mood episode but in my case that is rare.

Please keep in mind that as well as having fitting the criteria of Bipolar I also have periods of psychosis outside the mood episodes. This might explain the greater impact that I have felt in functioning.  I hope that this entry helps explain a little what it is like to actually have a Bipolar Disorder. As always feel free to leave comments or ask questions.