Reflection on having Schizoaffective Disorder

Schizoaffective disorder robbed me of a lot. I failed out of college because of it/ The relationship between my family and I has suffered because of it and I currently work in a job that is well below my skill and intelect abilities because of it. As much as it took it also gave.

I've been told that I have amazing insight into my illness, that clarity with which I see and understand the impact is rare. I don't really think that I am that special in this area. I think that many people with mental illness acquire this insight. They just don't talk about it out of shame. I know that there are people walking around suffering in silence, not getting the treatment that they need.

For years I went without treatment due to lack of proper insurance coverage. Those years were spent alternating between working on auto pilot to trying my best to quell the noise in my mind. Those years were hellish yet I managed to work, although usually part time in low skilled jobs, and to get into and maintain a long term relationship. It was not easy and the lack of support meant that I had to work hard at fighting the urge to withdraw and give up.

My insight comes from my journals. I wrote so much about what was going on my head that it is a written record of the course of my illness. It gave me a way to work through issues and break apart various aspects of events and choices. For me journaling was both therapeutic and educational.

When I went back into treatment I was nervous. My previous diagnosis was Bipolar 1 Disorder with Psychotic Features. There were aspects of my illness that caused me to doubt the diagnosis. I was paranoid all the time, had some degree of thought broadcasting (thinking people could read my mind) and more often than not had visual disturbances like shadows moving, These symptoms appeared independent of my mood episodes.

When I told my new Pdoc this stuff he just sat there listening and occasionally asking me to explain in more detail. At the end of the appointment he told me he was switching my diagnosis to Schizoaffective Disorder Bipolar Type. This was both a shock and something I expected on some level.

Armed with a new diagnosis that night I reread some of my past journal entries to gain some insight into my illness, to see just when it started. I was shocked to find out that it likely appeared while I was in treatment during my teenage years. The symptoms where there in ink on page after page. Either I was never open and honest about my symptoms or my old Pdoc just missed it.

I can't help but wonder how my life would have turned out had the right diagnosis been handed down back then. The only medications that had been tried were mood stabilizers, but that only medicated one half of my illness the other half was left unchecked and greatly affected both career and personal life. My paranoia robbed me of close friendships and a relationship with my family.

This is why I stress the importance of honesty during therapy. Most likely I was not honest about my symptoms and my treatment team was clueless as to what was really going on with me back then. That missed opportunity lead to many missed chances in life. Properly medicated I might have been able to finish college and perhaps have a more fulfilling job than I currently hold.

My Pdoc currently has me on 15mg of Zyprexa and 20mg Prozac. So far so good. I have had minimal side effects and the medication seems to working. I can think more clearly, I am more engaged with life, my paranoia is lessening and I have been feeling less anxious. Hopefully this is the right medication combination needed to keep me stable.