Keeping a journal

I began keeping journals as a young teenager. It was a great way to explore my thoughts and feelings in safe place. Page after page I would chronicle the daily angst of my teen years. Friendships gained and lost, crushes that went unrequited and the seeking of who I was made up many of those entries. But hidden within the mundane ramblings was also a darkness. Between the musings of a teenage girl who identified as an anarcho-punk rebel were also bitter confessions of suicidal ideology and psychosis.

The darkest entries consisted of talk of suicide and a desire to die. I would discus sometimes in great detail how I should do it and how no one care if I left this plane of existence. Lists would appear that listed the pros and cons of killing myself, some of these the pros drastically outnumbered the reasons why I should other times the scaled tipped the opposite direction.

There were also page after page that dealt with thoughts that were born from psychosis. Talk of demons and spirits that entered my dreams and spoke using my own thoughts. These implanted thoughts told me not trust anyone, that everyone else was attempting to undermine my greatness. These thoughts, which were not mine, explained how I was chosen to start some grand new religion. How I should seek out others and to help me on this path.

The majority of the time these thoughts would be within the confines a mania, the clues being frenzied lists of things I needed to do and talk of little sleep that was also mentioned. Other times these came on their own, when it seemed that I was not within the grips of a mood episode. I would discuss social isolation and deep rooted paranoia which would cause difficulties between my family and I.

At the time it was believed that I has rapid cycling bipolar 1 disorder with psychotic features. A mouthful for anyone and for me a badge of shame. This shame was also talked about. I feared my friends and peers would find put and ostracized me more than I already was. I knew that my mental illness was wrong and something that would be cause more pain if it was talked about.

As an adult rereading these journals sends a chill down my spine. Thinking of how many times I was so close to actually committing suicide or how my psychotic mind would influence suspicion and hatred for those close to me. I could see the beginnings of the difficulties with my family as most of these negative thoughts were centered around them. I would isolate myself from them, withdrawing and building defense mechanisms against their perceived meddling.

For all the pain, confusion and frightening entries there is a bright side to this hobby. It would actually give me greater insight years later into the actual nature of my illness. A written record of soul crushing depressions, manic highs and psychotic episodes that not only co-occurred but were sometimes independent of my mood episodes. By keeping these journals I had created the perfect mood charts and symptom list. A way to track my illness and it course over time.

I encourage others to journal. Having a mental illness can cause a lack of insight. What we perceive as normal and non bizarre might might in fact be outside the realm of our normal thoughts and behaviors. It is great way to gain better insight into the workings of our mind. A single entry with a briefest mention of an event or thought might shift a diagnosis to a more accurate one.

Had my Dr.'s delved deeper and possibly asked to see my journals when I was teenager my schizoaffective diagnoses might have come sooner and perhaps I might have walked a different path. They would have seen the remarks about the things that only I could see. They would have been able to learn of my delusions in greater detail, which thanks to being mocked for by my family I only dared speak of them in my journals.

Keeping a journal is one of the easiest activity one can engage in. There is no right or wrong way to journal. It can be in detailed entries of your private musings or simple lists. That which holds your written words could be beautifully bound journals, simple notebooks or even text documents on what ever device you choose. You can write about anything; events, feelings and thoughts. You can write about the past, present and hopes for the future. You can write as often as you need. It can help relieve stress by ranting about an event without judgment. It can help quell anxiety by identifying the triggers and chronicle the various methods that you have used to quell it.

I think this is why some psychiatric hospitals give patience journals to use. There is so much therapeutic value there. If you have a mental illness and your not already doing it, give it a try, you never know maybe keeping a journal will give you and your treatment team a valuable tool. You do not necessary need to share it with them, you can use it as guide on what to discuss if you like.